We're All Insane: Diary of Caius of the Volturi
by Petals Open to the Moon
Summary: "Sulpicia isn't much fun, but then, if I were married to a deranged psycho who runs around shouting about Halloween capes, I'd be pretty obnoxious, too..." Life with the Volturi can get pretty chaotic. After 1000 years, why not spice things up a bit...?
1. Chapter 1

**My Favorite Holiday **

Why is my birthday a week away from Halloween? So typical for a vampire…

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…"

_Oh, God. Not again. _

Aro was dancing around the room now. "Sing with me, Marcus!"

I turned back to Jane. "Ok, listen. I want you to_ find_ Demetri, first of all, and then tell him to get down here before I whip his sorry behin—"

Aro's voice rings in my ear. "Happy BIRTHDAY, DEAR CAIU—!"

"ARO! WOULD YOU _SHUT UP?"_

Aro wagged a finger at me. "Now, now, Caius, dear. Let's be nice."

"I can't flippin' THINK when you're doing that!"

"You need to leave all the thinking to me, brother," laughed Aro, clapping me on the shoulder. "That's what brothers are for. And I'm the leader, anyway."

"It's not like you don't remind us all the time…" I mutter under my breath.

"I know how envious you must be," Aro continued. "I would be, too, if I were me. Isn't that right, Marcus?"

"Yes, Aro."

"I mean, have you ever _seen_ anyone as handsome as myself?"

"No, Aro."

Aro smiled at his dead-faced brother. "Ah, I'm so happy we're of the same opinion."

I roll my eyes.

_What do people usually do when they go insane? Walk in circles, tear their hair, or boil over in anger, right? Right. Vampires on the other hand… _

_Don't get me wrong! I'm not insane; not even close. But when you're the only calm, logically-thinking vampire present, it gets a little hectic sometimes. _

"Caius!"

_Take my brother, Aro, for example. _

"Caius, what are you writing? We're having a special counsel for my special Halloween party in the lounge. Everyone's waiting for you."

"I'm kind of busy now, Aro."

"But we made your favorite O+ fang cookies! You can't miss it!"

"I just told you that I—"

"Oooo…is that your diary? What's it say? Anything about me…?"

_Oh, yes. Too much, in fact. _"Get away, Aro. This is private."

"Haha! Nothing's private for a mind-reader! Give me that!'

"Urgh…get…_off!"_

"Promise you'll come to my party counsel then!"

"Alright! I'll do it! I'll do whatever you say!"

"That's the spirit, dear brother! See you there!"

_My diary wasn't ruined, thankfully. I can't say the same for the ink well, though, which Aro's stupid cloak swept onto the floor. Does he really find it necessary to dress up for every miniscule occasion? Sighing, I blot out the black stain with my shoe. The carpet's ruined, but I don't care. It belongs to Aro, anyway. Now I only have one bottle of ink left before I have to send Demetri out on another shopping trip. I could go myself of course, but I'm allergic to sunlight. Not to mention I look like a giant bottle of glitter glue. Ridiculous. One of the huge drawbacks to our species. _

_Ha. I can't stop laughing now. Aro looks like an absolute moron in orange. The ribbons are a bit much, too. I hope he doesn't make us wear pumpkin masks like last year. The only good thing about last year's party was when Jane fell headfirst into the dunking bucket. I've never laughed so hard in my life! She was positively furious, and knocked the socks off of Felix for pushing her in. What can I say? We immortals must have _some_ form of entertainment, although Aro takes it to the extreme. _

_Oh, great. Aro just yelled down the hall at me again. I must go before he destroys yet another ink bottle. If he does, then…well, I've used blood before. Works just as well. And Heidi's always _so_ willing to get it for me… _


	2. Chapter 2

**Entry 2: The Perfect Zombie **

_It was even worse than I imagined. I'm starting to believe that there is nothing Aro won't do, short of incinerating Volterra in smoke. Of course, I'm not assured of _that,_ either. _

"This is Halloween! This is Halloween! Da-da-da-da-da…!"

_Remember Les __Théâtres de Vampyres (and yes, we do read novels)? Well, six hundred and fifty years back, my brother tried out for Gothic Opera at the Vampire Stage Theater. It didn't fly. He sulked about it for weeks. It doesn't stop him from singing 24/7, though. _

"Di da da…Alright! Everyone present and accounted for, Jane?"

"Yes, Master."

_Jane is Aro's private secretary. What a joke. Half the time, she gnaws the end off her pencil, because she can't keep her temper for five seconds. I don't care if she _is _a child by human years! Four-hundred-year-old vampires shouldn't throw tantrums. And too frequently, she ends up taking out several humans with her. Spoiled little brat. _

_And Alec? He stays in the background, biting his nails. Apparently, I make him feel nervous. I really don't see why. I mean, who could find a personality more lovable and engaging than my own? He practically jumps every time I speak to him. _

Aro lounged in his chair, looking full of himself, as usual. At least he wasn't wearing that awful, Halloween cloak with pumpkins. Suddenly, he sat up. "Heidi! Demetri! Stop necking and pay attention!"

Heidi leaped to her feet, where she'd been sitting on Demetri's lap, stroking his dark curls. Her mini-skirt caught on the pin on his cloak, and she fell backwards out of sight.

Good heck. Did Marcus just _smile? _No, his face was lifeless as always. All he would have to do for Halloween would be to knock on someone's door and just _stand_ there.

Heidi appeared finally, her cheeks as red as her bone-white skin would allow.  
"Welcome to the 700th annual Halloween party in Volterra," Aro sang. "I know just how excited you all are…"

Everyone looked at each other, wondering what to do. Felix hooted from the back of the room, a wide grin on his face. Jane gnawed ferociously at her pencil.

"Wonderful!" Aro shouted. Renata stood behind him, giving him a shoulder-rub.

"That's just lovely, sweetling," he murmured, kissing her fingers. He turned back to the rest of us. "So! First thing on the agenda! Distribution of costumes."

_This is my favorite part of Aro's Halloween party, by the way. Not only does he humiliate everyone with his featherbrained ideas, but he doesn't seem to realize that I don't like being a witch every year. Talk about hell on earth. But what am I saying? We are in hell on earth! We're vampires! Aro just makes us remember it….Every. Single. Day. _

"Maaarcuuus…" cooed Aro, throwing a chocolate candy at his brother's head. Marcus started, glancing around with drowsy red eyes.

"Huh?"

_Poor chap. I wish I could just knock myself out like that. He's got it really bad. That whole love thing. _Sigh._ Good thing Athenodora and I never hit it off too well. I wanted power, and so did she. So we got hooked. Go figure. Thought I was going to die that first night, especially when she threw her first tantrum and ripped off the bedstead. Aro still hasn't forgiven me for letting her tear up his favorite polka-dot heart pillow (I haven't even started on his stupid stuffed kitten collection). _

Aro clicks his tongue reprovingly. "Do speak English, brother. Remember, 'a vampire must be classic, graceful, and refined…"

He waved his hand towards us and we all finished in a monotone.

"…for all times, all places, and for every occasion."

"Beautiful, dears!" Aro giggled, clapping his hands. He bounced off the throne, and Renata quickly hurried to glue herself to his back.

_I wish Aro didn't find her so necessary. This retarded "constant-guard" thing makes the elite look like a clump of feeble old men who couldn't ward a cat off of a mouse. It's awkward, too. Especially for guests. I remember one lovely visitor we had from England named Forsytha, who pointed to Renata with a smile, asking "if the ancients really valued their mates to that extent." Ha. Sulpicia beat the crap out of Renata when she heard that. _

"The zombie costume should fit," Aro babbles, oblivious to the fact that no one's really listening. Except Heidi, of course. She's staring in horrified astonishment at Marcus' terrible costume, but I have to admit it suits him. No one like Marcus to take on a zombie role.

"And _I_…" Aro drawls out the word, emphasizing its significance. "I shall go as…_COUNT DRACULA!_ MUHAHAHA!"

"Yay…" we all cheer. It's a depressing sound.

"Look, Jane! Plastic fangs! How do I look?"

_Like an imbecile._

"Stupendous," she says swiftly. "Miraculous. Dashing. Divine. Magnificent."

Hm. I'm impressed. She's been improving her vocabulary lately.

"Does the Count wear a pumpkin cloak?" I ask, unable to resist.

Aro ignores me. "Only the _best_ vampires can be VAMPIRES!" he shouts dramatically. "Never forget that!"

"We won't," Felix drawls. Demetri's beside him, picking his nose. Somewhere, off to the left, Marcus has fallen asleep.

This is going to be a long day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Entry 3: How Do You Spell "Psychotic?" **

_Just got the crap kicked out of me by my lovely wife, Athenodora. That woman is murder with a hairbrush. She thinks I somehow had something to do with Sulpicia getting the drama queen costume at the Halloween party yesterday. _

"You leech!" she shrieked at me. "You _knew_ I wanted the queen costume this year! You _knew _it! And Sulpicia gets it every time! Why didn't you speak to Aro?"

"I didn't arrange everything, Thenie, dear," I soothed.

Calling her by her pet name only made her angrier. She was practically spitting by the time her mutterings became coherent. "I hate you!" she shouted, stomping out of the room.

_As if I didn't know. We both hate each other, which is probably the reason we're still together. Sulpicia isn't much fun, either. But then, if I were married to a deranged psycho who runs around shouting that he'll drive a stake through whoever tore a hole in his Halloween cape, _I'd_ be pretty obnoxious, too._

_Oh, and _I_ did it, by the way. That cape is an abomination. _

Marcus walks by me. He has his special zombie face on again.

"Hey," I say, clapping him on the shoulder. "Is Aro all calmed down yet?"

He stares at me. "What?"

"Never mind." Stifling a laugh, I walk past him down the hallway. Asking that brother a question is liking talking to a blank wall… which I find myself doing more frequently now. It's inevitable, among the insane…

"Aro!" I see him ahead of me, speaking to Alec.

"This is fascinating!" he's saying. Ecstatically, of course. That's Aro's favorite word. I look closer and see a tiny phone—don't humans call it a "cell" or something?—bouncing about in his hands. He examines it, patting Alec on the head every five seconds. "Extraordinary!" he exclaims. "Such a wonder, technology! Now I can call all my friends."

"What friends, Aro?" I say drolly, joining them.

"None of your business," he sniffs, striding off down the hall with an around Alec. Hm. He must suspect me for ruining his cape. Wonder what clued him in?

I walk further down the hallway, kicking a small stone into one of the sewers. It's underground, just like everything—and everyone—else here. Huh. The legend came true. We really did end up being buried alive, after all. Funny.

"Give me that!"

"No, it's mine!"

"I found it first, you moron!"

"Yeah, but _I _was the one who fed on him!"

"So?"

"_So?" _

Felix and Demetri tear past, almost knocking me over. Demetri's hair is sticking straight up, and he's waving a human's black leather jacket above his head. Felix is showing his teeth like a complete maniac, spitting saliva all the way.

I watch them disappear, still screaming like two-year-olds, then slowly make my way back to my room. There, I can write a few more words in silence…or maybe just bang my head against the wall.


	4. Chapter 4

**Entry 4: "Wussy Pillows" **

_Ahhh… life in hell. There's nothing like it, really. You wouldn't think the damned would be so bloody ANNOYING! But we are. Or _they _are, at least. _

_Yesterday was an absolute joke. But that's what we're good at. Making jokes. Because hell can be an awfully dull place at times… _

"Aro?"

No answer, of course. This must be one of those days where he insists on being referred to as "your highness," or "prince charming." If he wasn't so high and mighty, he might see all the chaos going on right under his nose.

"Aro!"

I reach the door to my room and push it open. The place is full of feathers.

"What the—?"

Aro emerges, covered from head to toe in downy fluff. "Caius! How wonderful to see you! You're just in time to see my latest creation."

The feathers clear, and I can see Jane and Alec squatting on the floor, surrounded by…by…

"Chickies!" Aro shouts. He dances around the twins, cradling the artificial things to his chest.

"Aro, what's going on? Where did these feathers come from?"

"Oh, we ran out of pillows in my room, until I had the brilliant idea of using _yours. _You don't mind, do you?"

"You…used…_my pillows?" _

Aro giggles. "Oh, come now, brother. You don't sleep anyway."

True. But I can be very particular about my belongings. Yes, even the dumb bed. "And since when do you just barge in and mess with my room?"

Aro walks over, his face concerned. "Are you feeling well, brother? You look a little feverish."

"I'm not."

"Here. Have a chickie. You'll feel better."

"I don't want a chickie!"

I fling it down in disgust. I can hear them snickering as I leave the room, but I don't care. Marcus will be next, I'm sure. I shiver at the thought of his dead face leering out from a sea of feathers.

Something collides roughly with my shoulder. I whirl around angrily, coming face-to-face with Heidi.

"S-sorry, my lord," she blubbers. "I didn't s-see you."

"You nearly ran me over!" I snap. "What's your problem?" Then I look closer. "For heaven's sake, Heidi, what's wrong with you?"

She wipes her eyes, muddy with mascara. "I have to go on an errand for Aro soon, but… oh, just _look _at me!"

I look. "So?"

"My hair is _awful! _How can I go outside looking like this? It's limp as a rag."

"Why don't you blow-dry it?"

"I can't. Demetri took it."

"Demetri?"

"Yeah. He's trying to grill hamburgers on the Palazzo."

_What?_ "Why not use fire?"

She examines herself with a pocket mirror. "He can't. You know how Felix is with fire."

"Ah…"

"But what should I _do?"_ She grabs my arm, pleading again. "The tourists can't see me like this. It'll ruin my reputation."

I open the door. "Here. Join the madhouse."

She turns with wide eyes.

"Heidi!" Aro sings. He yanks her in, and she disappears amidst a flurry of white. So much for the hair.

"You want to hold Bibi?" I hear Aro coo. "Here, I'll let you hold Bibi…"

_You want me to commit suicide? Sure, I'll do that. But seriously. This incident _bugged _me. I'm not saying vampires are possessive about their pillows… I'm just saying I like to keep my things in _some _type of order. Aro should respect _that, _at least. _

"CAIUS! Jane, go get Caius! I think it laid an egg!"

_After all, balls of fluff don't exactly reproduce, if you get my drift. But I'm sure they'll outrank his dumb kitten collection, and have the place of honor near Aro's throne. Because he does that, you know. I can't even sit _down _without something squeaking or laughing with inane giggles. _

I look up wearily. Marcus is gliding up and down the hallway aimlessly. I walk up to him and touch his shoulder. "How are you, brother?"

"Mm."

"Excellent! Tell me, do you have extra pillows in your bedroom, by any chance?"

"No," he mumbles.

"Well, that sucks, because Aro took every last one of mine for his confounded chickie project."

Marcus turns to me with bleary eyes. "You too?"

* * *

***heaving gasp* and now i'm going to go enjoy a few moments of NON insanity. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Entry 5: Kitties and— What? **

"CAIUS! WHERE ARE THEY?"

I step out of my room innocently. "What?"

Aro's grinding his teeth together. "My chickies! Where are they?"

I hide a snicker. Just the way he _says _"chickies"…

"Well?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think they flew away?" he gasps.

"Chickens don't fly."

"Are you sure?" His face is anxious. "I'll go after them."

"Aro, chickens _don't. Fly." _Neither do vampires, although that would be _awesome. _Wasn't there something like that in "Queen of the Damned"?

Aro's shaking me. "Where did you put them?"

"I don't know!"

"Don't lie to me!"

"Get off!" I wrench away. "Go play with your kittens or… something."

Aro claps his hands. "Ah, now _there's _an idea! Jane! Kitty time!"

I leave him bouncing in the corridor, and head back into my room. My diary is lying open where I left it. So is my sanity.

_Why do I avoid my brother so much? Because he's a pain in the neck. Wow. I just made a joke. Now there's something that doesn't happen often. My best guess is, you're probably not even laughing. Of course, if you're a human and reading this, you're life term will be short, anyway. Haha. Another joke. Must be Aro's insanity rubbing off. _

_Oh, did I mention what happened last night? It was insane. So remember that jacket I was telling you about? You know, the one Felix was fighting for? Well, last night, I saw him charging past my room, ax in hand, and soon after the loudest crash you've ever heard came echoing down the hallway. I got up and sprinted down the hall, and nearly tripped on Demetri's—well, what _remained _of Demetri's—door. Apparently Felix had interrupted a most extraordinary makeout session in his craze for the jacket. There they were, rolling about on the floor, with Heidi screaming her head off. _

_Of course, when Aro showed up, it became an issue of interior decorating. He started blubbering (in Italian) at the state of things, and how the _hell _was he supposed to replace the fine, oaken, gilt-edged, Renaissance-style, inherited from his great-grandfa— Good LORD! _

_No, I wasn't frustrated. Just laughing, and you'd think I'd pulled my pants off, the way they were staring. _

_Ha-ha. _


End file.
